(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN ON RADIO)
剛剛好 Right on time.
澤克！他媽的快點！ Zeke! Hurry the fuck up!
(ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)
快好了！ Almost there!
九十九 Nighty-night. (CHUCKLES)
(MAN SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN)
打開 Open it.
裝載 Load it up.
(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
抱歉，我不說俄語 Sorry, I don't speak Russian.
等等！ Wait!
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
MacGruber
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials
MacGruber
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations
MacGruber
The guy's a fucking genius
MacGruber
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
MacGruber
He made a fucking movie
MacGruber
長官，我不能理解 Sir, I still don't understand why we had
為何我們要大老遠到這兒來？ to come all the way out here.
中尉，因為我們需要最優秀的 Because, Lieutenant, we need the best.
這個人有那么優秀嗎？ And this guy's that good?
是的，他很優秀 Yeah. He's that good.
為什么他沒有服役？ Then why isn't he on active duty?
因為 Because
他已經死了十年之久 he's been dead for 10 years.
你好，上校 Hello, Colonel.
你好，馬克格魯伯 Hello, MacGruber.
馬克格魯伯？ MacGruber?
你怎么找得到我？ How did you find me?
你忘了，你會的都是我教你的 You forget I taught you everything you know.
并非所有，上校 Not everything, Colonel.
你好，吉姆 Hello, Jim.
馬克格魯伯 MacGruber.
這是迪克森﹒派帕中尉，中尉，這是… This is Lieutenant Dixon Piper. Lieutenant, this is...
傳奇人物，馬克格魯伯 The legendary MacGruber.
前海豹突擊隊、綠色貝雷帽 陸軍特戰隊成員 Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret.
沙漠風暴中任職六期，波斯尼亞四期 Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia,
安哥拉、索馬里、莫桑比克 尼加拉瓜以及塞拉利昂分別任職三期 three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.
十六枚紫心勛章獲得者 Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts,
三枚國會榮譽勛章 three Congressional Medals of Honor,
七枚總統英勇勛章 seven Presidential Medals of Bravery,
并為德克薩斯大學埃爾帕索分校打邊鋒 and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.
那是很久之前了 That was a long time ago.
聽著，馬克… Listen, Mac... (SIGHS)
上校，恕我冒昧 Colonel, with all due respect,
不管你在此為了什么 whatever it is you're here for,
我都不會答應 the answer is no.
這就是我的生活 我所關注的只在這城牆之內 My life is here now. Everything I care about is in these walls.
我是個和平主義者 這是我的家，這些是我的人民 I'm a man of peace. This is my home, these are my people.
嗨，嗨，媽的！他要償還 Hey, hey! Shit! He'll give it back.
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
馬克格魯伯，兩天前，一隊俄國護衛 JIM: Look, MacGruber. Two days ago, a Russian convoy
運送的X-5核彈頭半路被劫 carrying the X-5 nuclear warhead got jacked.
昨天，可靠消息稱他們正前往美國領土 Yesterday, reliable sources informed us it made its way to US soil.
這些都與我無關 That's not my problem anymore.
馬克格魯伯，X-5是威力最強的核… MacGruber, the X-5 is one of the most powerful nuclear...
當然，我知道X-5是什么 Yeah, I know what the X-5 is.
中尉，給我們點時間，可以嗎？ Lieutenant, give us a minute, will you?
是的，長官 Yes, sir.
馬克，你是我們唯一的希望 Mac, you're our only hope.
你的國家需要你 Your country needs you.
我認為，我已經付出了太多給我的國家 I think I've given more than enough to my country already.
馬克，如果這關系到凱西，她… Mac, if this is about Casey, she...
這與凱西無關，這關系到我對自己的承諾 It's not about Casey. It's about a promise I made to myself.
- 聽我說，馬克 - 不，你聽著 Listen to me, Mac. No, you listen!
我出局了 I'm out of the game.
- 游戲已經改變了 - 但是角色沒有改變 Well, the game has changed. But the players are the same.
馬克格魯伯，是康斯 MacGruber, it's Cunth.
什么？ What?
我們有理由相信 We have reason to believe
X-5已經落入迪爾特﹒馮﹒康斯手中 the X-5 is now in the possession of Dieter Von Cunth.
康斯 Cunth.
馬克 Mac.
這是你最終將他拿下的機會 This is your chance to finally take him down.
抱歉，吉姆，我做不到 Sorry, Jim. I can't do it.
如果你改變主意… (SIGHS) If you change your mind...
中尉 Lieutenant.
凱西﹒簡妮﹒菲茨派特里克 PRIEST: Do you, Casey Janine Fitzpatrick,
你愿意馬克格魯伯成為你的合法丈夫嗎？ take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?
我愿意 I do.
(DISTORTED ECHOING)
馬克格魯伯 你愿意娶凱西﹒簡妮﹒菲茨派特里克… And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...
你媽 (DISTORTED) Fuck you.
…成為你的合法妻子嗎？ (DISTORTED)... to be your lawfully wedded wife?
(TIMER BEEPING)
凱西 (DISTORTED) Casey!
馬克格魯伯！ MacGruber!
(GASPS)
(SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING)
(UNLOCKING)
(SCREAMING)
我加入 I'm in.
什么？ What?
我加入 I'm in.
馬克格魯伯，謝天謝地 MacGruber. Thank God.
老天幫不了你，吉姆，但是我能 Your God can't help you, Jim. But I can.
目前為止我們掌握什么情況？ So what do we know so far?
很不幸，非常少 Very little, unfortunately.
我們認為康斯將X-5走私到了美國 We think Cunth smuggled the X-5 into the US,
在找到線索之前 我們還不能對他施加任何証詞 but we lost the trail before we could pin any hard evidence on him.
其實我在和上校說話，上校？ I was actually talking to the Colonel. Colonel?
派帕說的每句話都是事實 Everything Piper just said is correct.
多謝，上校 Thank you, Colonel.
好吧，那么，如果你允許的話 Well, then, if you'll excuse me,
是時候去追捕康斯了 it's time to go pound some Cunth.
馬克，沒那么容易 Mac. It's not that easy.
當然，在我們開來，他是黑市武器交易商 但在其他人眼里 Sure, to us, he's a black market arms dealer. But to everyone else,
他已成為萬眾敬仰的商人 he's become a respected businessman
以及重要的政治慈善家 and a major political donor.
你很難接觸到他 He's untouchable.
我能接觸到他，新手 Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.
我隨時都能接觸到他 I'll touch him wherever I want.
(CHUCKLES)
馬克，我們現在能爭取到成功的機會是 Now, Mac, one thing we have working in our favor
康斯拿到密碼才能讓X-5運行 is that Cunth needs passcodes to make the X-5 operational.
很重要的是，康斯還未得到密碼 It is imperative that Cunth does not get those codes.
多謝，因為在你說出來之前 Oh, thanks. Because before you said something,
我覺得他得到密碼也沒什么 I thought it'd be fine if he got them.
馬克，我不再對你隱瞞 Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, Mac.
這是一項高級命令 This is a very tall order.
道上人傳言，康斯正組建一支隊伍 Word on the street is Cunth's put together a team
包括這個世界上最冷酷的罪犯 of the most ruthless criminals this planet has to offer.
(READING FROM SCREEN)
澤克普雷謝特、康斯坦丁巴赫 庫萊布拉兄弟 Zeke Pleshette. Constantine Bach. The Culebra brothers.
這是名副其實的殺手夢之隊 It's a veritable dream team of killers.
好吧，我只要組建自己的夢之隊 Well, then, I'll just have to put together my own dream team
制止殺手夢之隊 of killer-stoppers.
說到這兒，馬克 Regarding that, Mac,
派帕中尉是這里最優秀的軍人 Lieutenant Piper here is one of the best men we have.
他將會是這項任務中的副司令 He'll be your second-in-command on this thing.
我有個更好的想法 I got a better idea.
沒門！ No fucking way.
馬克格魯伯，我知道自己不像你期待的那樣 MacGruber, I know I'm not what you expected.
我來猜猜 Let me guess.
大學畢業一年，作戰經驗為零 One year out of the academy, zero combat experience,
小阿飛以為他的胡扯不夠臭 little punk thinks his shit don't stink.
只想讓你知道 Well, just to let you know,
你的胡扯確實很臭 your shit does stink. (SNIFFS)
臭的像大便一樣 (WHISPERS) It stinks like shit.
你只要給我一次機會 If you'll just give me a shot.
給你個機會 Give this a shot.
(GROANS)
該死的鼻子！ My fricking nose!
現在，對不起了 Now, if you'll excuse me,
我該去組織一支真正的隊伍 it's time to round up a real team.
混蛋！ Asshole.
(SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
我成功了，瑞可，成功了 I got it, Rico. I got it. (GRUNTING)
弗蘭克還是老樣子，總想著獨闖江湖 Same old Frank. Always wants to go it alone.
馬克格魯伯 MacGruber.
我以為你死了 Man, I thought you were dead.
上次見你時，你一手托著手榴彈發射器 Last time I saw you, you had a grenade launcher in one hand
一手握著M-16 and an M-16 in the other.
而你，赤手空拳就撕裂了一個家伙的喉嚨 And you had just ripped a dude's throat out with your bare hands.
馬克格魯伯的經典動作 Classic MacGruber.
看上去，你的身材保持的不錯 So, looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.
你也同樣不錯 You're looking pretty good yourself.
當然，每天都在鍛煉 Well, every day's a workout
當天揣著一個20磅的重物在牛仔褲里時 when you gotta carry around a 20-pound python in your jeans.
你和你的老二寫照 You and your dick comments.
議論他們很有意思 It's fun to say them.
- 聽到也很有趣 - 所以我才議論他們 It's fun to hear them. That's why I say them.
所以我才聽你說 And that's why I listen.
哇，我們在一起的時光很美好，不是嗎？ Wow, we had some good times together, didn't we?
我們玩的很開心 We had some great times.
我們會玩的更加開心 We're about to have some more.
喔！我看得出這個表情 Uh-oh! I know that look.
我需要你，弗萊克，我是認真的 I need you, Frank. It's serious.
我正組建一支隊伍 I'm putting together a team.
我加入！ Then I'm in.
(WHISTLES APPROVINGLY)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
VICKl: (SINGING) Two is a wonderful number
And three is a crowd, that's true
But four is the perfect number for sure
If it's two kids and me
and you
I love you.
很美妙，薇基 That was beautiful, Vicki.
馬克格魯伯，我以為你死了 MacGruber. I thought you were dead.
我也是，但是沒有 So did I. But I'm not.
我活了下來，正組建一支隊伍 I'm alive and I'm putting together a team.
有益于你 Good for you.
不，有益于我們，有益于整個美國 No, good for us. And good for America.
有益于公正和真理的仰慕者 And good for fans of justice and truth.
因為，你也是其中一員 Because you're on that team.
我做不到 I can't.
給我一個恰當的理由，薇基 Just give me one good reason, Vick.
我愿意 CASEY: I do.
馬克格魯伯 你愿意娶凱西﹒簡妮﹒菲茨派特里克 PRIEST: And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick
成為你的合法妻子嗎 to be your lawfully wedded wife?
不！ MACGRUBER: No!
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
那天我失去了最好的朋友 I lost my best friend that day.
我也是 I did, too.
如今我們有機會報仇 And now we have a chance to get revenge.
- 報仇？ - 是康斯！ Revenge? It's Cunth.
抱歉，我已經重新開始了 我的生活只有音樂 I'm sorry, I've started over. My life is my music now.
如果你改變主意 If you change your mind.
見到你很開心，薇基 It was good to see you, Vicki.
一切都按計划進行嗎？ Is everything on schedule?
是的，先生，周二我們就能拿到密碼 Yes, sir. We should have the passcodes by Tuesday.
好極了！太完美了！ Wonderful. Beautiful.
去過哥倫比亞特區么？ Have you ever been to D. C?
先生，沒去過 No, sir, I haven't.
我問的是導彈 I was talking to the missile.
好了，伙計們系好安全帶了嗎？ All right, you guys strapped in?
貼上標簽，獵獲他們，馬克格魯伯！ Yes! Tag 'em and bag 'em, MacGruber!
的確！ Yeah!
和以前一樣！ FRANK: Just like old times!
媽的，我得去應付那些官員 Shit. I gotta go deal with the brass.
官員去死吧！ VERNON: Fuck the brass! Let's go, man.
坐好了！ Hang tight.
官員去死吧！ ALL: Fuck the brass!
官員去死吧！ Fuck the brass!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
等等，格魯伯 One second, Grubes.
是的，總統先生 Yes, Mr. President.
是的，總統，我們吸納了馬克格魯伯入隊 Yes, sir. Well, we got MacGruber on this team right in front of us.
不，我們確定是康斯 No, we're certain it's Cunth.
鼻子怎么樣了，阿飛？ How's your nose, rookie?
沒什么，只是撞上了一個巨大的生殖道 It's fine. I just banged it into a giant vagina.
(GASPS)
所以說我的臉是生殖道，哈？ So, my face is a vagina, huh?
好，我賭你希望自己的鼻子是個老二 Well, I bet you wish your nose was a dick,
這樣就可以用來揍屁股了 so you could use it to fuck butts.
我忘了，上次見你時 I forget. The last time I saw you,
我是不是忘了告訴你，你長得有多丑？ did I remember to tell you how ugly I think you are?
- 沒有 - 好吧，我覺得你真的特別丑 No, you didn't. Well, I think you're really ugly.
- 我覺得你在照鏡子 - 你還想去嗎？ I think you're looking in the mirror. You want to go?
任何時間，任何地方 Any time, any place.
我對你有些好感了 (SCOFFS) I'm starting to like this guy.
開個玩笑，我仍然討厭你 Just kidding. I still hate you.
- 我也討厭你 - 你想去嗎？ Well, I hate you. You want to go?
嗨，伙計們，伙計…冷靜 Hey, guys, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Cool it.
馬克格魯伯 我們明白你組織了一支真正的隊伍 So, MacGruber, we understand you've recruited quite a team.
真正的隊伍？ 是啊，可以這么說 Quite a team? Yeah, you could say that.
弗蘭﹒克科沃爾、坦克﹒魯茲、圖特﹒比墨 特格﹒菲爾普斯、弗農﹒弗雷登姆、我 Frank Korver, Tanker Lutz, Tut Beemer, Tug Phelps, Vernon Freedom, moi.
是啊，我想說這真是支極好的隊伍 Yeah, I'd say it's a pretty good team.
(CLEARS THROAT)
馬克，你確定不改變主意 Look, Mac, are you sure you won't change your mind
讓派帕加入隊伍？ about letting Piper here join you?
他可以提供極大的有利條件 He'd make a hell of an asset.
喔，我也想啊，不過隊伍已經滿員了 Oh, I would love to, but the van's pretty full.
你知道，隊伍里都是美國英雄 You see, it's filled with American heroes
加起來有著超過一百年的作戰經驗 with over a hundred years of combined combat experience
以及一整票的兄弟情誼 and a whole lot of brotherhood.
而你，不可能坐進車廂，小朋友 (MOCKINGLY) And no, you can't ride in the trunk, bud!
因為車廂里裝滿了75磅C-4自制炸藥 'Cause the trunk is filled with over 75 pounds of homemade C-4 explosive
那是我親自裝入車廂，用我的雙手… that I personally packed in there with my own two...
噢，混蛋！ Oh, fuck!
不，不，不！ No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!
圖特，特格，你們還好嗎？ Tut, Tug! You guys okay?
喔，一定有人還活著 Oh, somebody's gotta be in there!
天哪！天哪！ Oh! Oh!
打911！打911！ Call 911! Call 911!
天哪！ (SOBBING) Oh, God! Oh, God!
(SCREAMS)
葬禮很完美 They were nice funerals.
是的，我的悼詞如何？ Yeah. What did you think of my eulogies?
十分感人 Very touching.
我可能會縮減少許贊詞 I might have cut back on the F-words a little.
他們是多棒的戰士 Well, they were fucking great guys.
這也是多么糟糕的一天 And this is a fucking asshole of a day.
我知道 I know.
只是他們孩子都在現場 It's just that their kids were there.
他們都笑場了 They laughed.
由于你的措詞不雅 Because of your use of heavy language.
好吧， 他們 Well, fuck 'em.
我本該在那個車廂里 I should have been in that van.
但是你沒有 But you weren't.
是的，沒有 No, I wasn't.
沒有人比康斯更覺得遺憾 And nobody's gonna regret that more than Cunth.
馬克格魯伯，說到這個 MacGruber, about that.
聽著，我想勸你退出此案 Look, I'm taking you off the case.
聽著，我想勸你退出此案
抱歉，我一定聽錯了 I'm sorry, I must have heard wrong.
因為我以為你說 'Cause I thought I just heard you say,
“馬克格魯伯，說到這個 "MacGruber, about that.
聽著，我想讓你退出此案” "Look, I'm taking you off the case."
我正是此意 That's exactly what I said.
該死，吉姆，你不能這么做，好嗎？ Damn it, Jim. You can't do that. Okay?
我是你最大的勝券 I'm the best chance you got.
你在修道院親口告訴過我 You told me yourself at the monastery.
但游戲已經改變 But the game has changed!
但主角未變 But the players are the same!
馬克，我別無選擇 Mac, I got no choice.
聽著，你已經經受了一場深深的創傷 Look, you've been through a very traumatic experience.
你太沉悶了 You're too close.
你的身后沒有了隊伍 And without a team behind you,
我就不能勝券在握 I just can't chance it.
抱歉，格魯伯 I'm sorry, Grubes.
- 長官，那個… - 派帕 Sir, I just... Piper.
上校在哪兒？ Where's the Colonel?
你必須得幫我，他們想把我踢出局 You gotta help me. They want to kick me off the mission.
呃，在這種情況下… Well, under the circumstances...
- ，混球 - 好吧！ Fuck you, dickhead! All right.
等等，等等！我不是這個意思！ Wait, wait, wait! I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.
你想怎么樣，馬克格魯伯？ What do you want, MacGruber?
- 加入我的隊伍 - 什么？ Join my team. What?
加入我的新隊伍，告訴上校我能做得到 Join my new team, and tell the Colonel I can do this.
我不能這么做 I can't do that.
好，別讓我求你 Okay, don't make me beg here.
因為我會這么做 'Cause I will do it.
我十分抱歉 I am so sorry.
我確實非常抱歉 (SOBBING) I'm so goddamn sorry.
我快要瘋了 Look, I'm freaking out here.
我殺了他們！我把他們全都殺了！ I killed them. I killed them all!
我實在太笨了 I'm so fucking stupid!
不知道自己在做什么，每個人都討厭我 I don't know what I'm doing and everybody hates me!
好吧，我愿意舔你的家伙 Look, I will suck your dick.
我愿意舔你那惡心的家伙 I will suck your fucking dick.
我愿意這么做，只要你加入我的隊伍 I will do it, just join my team.
我愿意舔你的家伙 I'll suck your dick.
你可以來和我胡鬧，或者我來 You can fuck me or get fucked by me.
你也可以看我和其它東西胡鬧 You can watch me fuck something.
你指出這房間里的任何東西 我都會為了你去和它們胡鬧 Just point at something in the room and I'll fuck it for you.
來吧，快告訴我你想讓我和什么胡鬧？ Come on, just tell me what you want me to fuck!
老天吶，馬克格魯伯 Jesus Christ, MacGruber.
快告訴我你想讓我和什么胡鬧 Just tell me what you want me to fuck.
我沒有潤滑劑，你這兒有修正液嗎？ Okay, I don't have any lubricant. Do you see any Wite-Out?
或是像清潔劑之類，或是… Or, like, copy toner should work, or...
穿上你的褲子，你在做什么？ Put your pants back on. What are you doing?
我不知道！ I don't know!
我不知道自己在做什么！我太無聊了！ I don't know what I'm doing! I'm so fucked here!
我太無聊了！ I am so fucked.
快點，馬克格魯伯 Come on, MacGruber.
沒那么糟糕 It's not so bad.
哦？還不夠糟糕？ Oh, it's not?
殺了我妻子的那個人 The man who killed my wife
正控制著核彈頭 is in control of a nuclear warhead,
而我卻無能為力 and I can't do a goddamn thing about it!
這還不夠糟糕？ And it's not so bad?
康斯殺了你的妻子？ Cunth killed your wife?
法律上還沒有証實 It was never proven in a court of law,
但這是我親眼所見 but I saw it with my own eyes.
對不起，我不知道 I'm sorry. I didn't know.
這次任務是一個機會讓我 This mission was my chance to do
完成10年前就該解決的事 what I should have done 10 years ago.
我卻搞砸了 And I blew it.
馬克格魯伯，我們准備了直升機 MacGruber, we have a chopper waiting to take you
將你送回厄瓜多爾 back to Ecuador.
上校，抱歉讓您失望了 Well, Colonel, I'm sorry I let you down.
派帕 Piper.
我加入 I'm in.
中尉？ Lieutenant?
- 我加入，我入隊 - 真的嗎？ I'm in. I'm on the team. Really?
抱歉，中尉，兩個人組成不了一支隊伍 Sorry, Lieutenant. Two people don't make a team.
(STAMMERING)
- 三個可以 - 薇基？ But three do. Vicki?
我聽說了 I heard about what happened.
認為你可能需要幫助 I thought you could use some help.
你的音樂怎么辦？ What about your music?
它可以等 (SINGING) It can wait
迪克森﹒派帕，薇基﹒埃爾默 Dixon Piper, Vicki St. Elmo.
嗨 Hi.
上校，看上去我自己又組織了一支新隊伍 Well, Colonel, looks like I got myself a new team.
確實，馬克格魯伯 Looks like you do, MacGruber.
確實 Looks like you do.
我們來這里做什么，馬克格魯伯？ What are we doing here, MacGruber?
很簡單，薇基 Well, it's simple, Vicki.
這是康斯的地盤 Cunth owns this place,
所以如果我們想要找出密碼所在之處 so if we wanna find out where that passcode deal is going down,
我們得翻出一些寶石 we gotta turn over some stones.
靚車，混球！ MAN: Nice car, dickhead!
滾遠點！ Fuck you!
(READING THE NUMBER PLATE)
K-F-B-R-3-9-2，K-F-B-R-3-9-2 K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.
所以我們要看看是否能找到門路 So we're gonna see if we can't make some contacts,
搜集些情報？ gather some intel?
差不多吧，K-F-B-R-3-9-2 Something like that. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
需要點什么，兄弟？ Can I help you, bro?
恩，我要X-5 Yeah, I'll have the X-5.
(GROANS)
他什么都不知道，繼續 He doesn't know anything. Come on.
關掉音樂！ MACGRUBER: Turn off the music.
關掉音樂！ Turn off the music!
關掉這可惡的音樂！否則我殺了她！ Turn off the fucking music, or I will kill this woman!
(MUSIC STOPS)
我來了，我要殺了她！我要掐斷她的脖子！ I'll do it. I'll kill her. I will snap her neck.
別擔心，她和我一伙的，很安全 Don't worry. She's with me. She's safe.
嗨 Hi.
但對于你們其他人，就不能相提并論了 But I can't say the same about the rest of you!
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
挖哈！狗娘養的！ Whoa! Son of a bitch!
我很確信，你們中有部分人只是來這里消遣 I'm sure that some of you guys are just here on vay-cay.
但大多數人都是一堆廢物 But most of you are big pieces of shit
你們和迪爾特﹒馮﹒康斯有著某些聯系 who are somehow connected to Dieter Von Cunth.
現在，此人正在從事 一項極其非法和致命的活動 Now, this guy is up to something incredibly illegal and astoundingly deadly.
“據說”，我應該這么說，法律意義上 "Allegedly." I should say that for legal purposes.
不過別擔心 But don't worry.
因為我就是為他而來，并且要親手殺了他 'Cause I am coming for him, and I am going to kill him.
我是誰？你問了嗎？ Who am I, you ask?
我的名字叫馬克格魯伯 My name is MacGruber.
我的名字叫馬克格魯伯
記住這個名字！ Remember that name!
字母M-A-C-，字母G-R-U-B-E-R！ Capital M-A-C-capital G - R-U-B-E-R!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(FEEDBACK SCREECHES)
誰想找到我 Anyone wants to come find me,
明天下午2：00金色大街咖啡屋見 I will be at the Gold Street Cafe tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.
麻煩散播我的話，你們這些該死的廢物
Please spread the word, ya frigging turds. 麻煩散播我的話，你們這些該死的廢物
哇哦！ Whoo! Whoo!
太棒了！太給力了！ That went great. That was fucking tits.
馬克格魯伯，這什么玩意兒？ MacGruber, what the hell was that?
這叫做“傳送訊息” It's called "sending a message."
我想他會響亮而清晰地收到 And I think it will be received loud and clear.
那正是我所擔心的 That's what I'm worried about.
為什么？ Why?
因為他以為你死了 Because he thought you were dead.
這是一個極好的優勢 That was a huge advantage.
是啊，現在他一定會找上門來 Yeah, and now he's going to be coming for us.
正確，這就是計划的一部分 Exactly. It's all part of the plan.
計划是什么？ What is the plan?
隨著進度設定 I kind of make it up as I go.
這么說，這不是一個真正的計划 That's not really a plan, then.
好吧，這不是計划 聽著，我不擅長制訂計划 Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans.
也不擅于抓住線索 And I'm not good with clues.
我擅長的是海扁和撕破喉頭 What I am good with is kicking ass and ripping throats.
康斯要來追擊我？好吧，帶他來 So Cunth is gonna come after me? Well, bring it on.
然后他會成為我的玩物，受我的指使 'Cause then he'll be on my turf, playing my game.
這場游戲我不計划失敗，走吧 And that's not a game I plan on losing. Let's go.
K-F-B-R-3-9-2，K-F-B-R-3-9-2 (SOFTLY) K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.
濕一些，再來點 Wetter. More.
抱歉打斷你，康斯博士 Sorry to disturb you, Dr. Cunth.
鞋子 Shoes.
抱歉，先生 Sorry, sir.
怎么了？ What is it?
最晚有個瘋子大鬧夜店 Some lunatic smashed up the club last night.
他說是來追捕你 He said he was coming after you.
喔，我好害怕 Oh, I'm terrified.
說他叫馬克格魯伯 Said his name was MacGruber.
馬克格魯伯？ MacGruber?
很好，很好 Well, well, well.
這么多年了還活著 Alive after all these years.
馬克格魯伯 (SOFTLY) MacGruber, MacGruber.
帶他進來 Bring him in.
我們沒抓他，先生 I don't have him, sir.
你們放了他？ You let him go?
他們覺得他沒有實質性威脅 They didn't feel he posed any real threat.
實際上，他們認為他精神殘障 They actually thought he was mentally handicapped.
沒有實質威脅 No real threat.
我來問你個問題 Let me ask you a question.
你還記得吉米卡特總統 （美國第39任總統）的刺殺嗎？ Do you remember the assassination of President Jimmy Carter?
沒有，先生，沒有此事 No, sir, but that never happened.
是的，沒有 No, it didn't.
不要低估這個人 Do not underestimate this man.
他會成為一只害群之馬 He can be quite a fly in the ointment.
明白，你想讓我們做些什么？ Understood. So what would you like us to do?
明白，你想讓我們做些什么？
集中力量對付他 Round up a couple of flyswatters.
是的，先生 Yes, sir.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
馬克格魯伯，你的廁所真令人作嘔 MacGruber, your toilet is disgusting.
騙到你了，很不錯吧，哈？ (CHUCKLES) Gotcha! It's pretty good, huh?
我們能商量商量嗎？ Can we talk about this, please?
沒什么好商量的 Well, there's nothing to talk about.
大家都知道，耗子喜歡奶酪 Everybody knows that rats like cheese.
而你，薇基，就是這奶酪 And you, Vicki, are the cheese.
你才是他想找的人 But you're the one he wants to come after.
為什么你自己不打扮成這樣呢？ Why can't you be dressed like you?
因為… Because...
你是！ You are.
不得不說，對于這次行動 我表示嚴重的擔心 I have to say, I have some serious concerns about this operation.
如果你以為我會讓那個魔鬼康斯 If you think that I would let that monster Cunth
動薇基的一根頭發 touch one hair on Vicki's head,
那你就大錯特錯了 then you're sorely mistaken.
謝謝 Thank you.
他會接近她，可能會招致危險 He'll get close to her, possibly dangerously close.
當然，在這場交易中，什么都可能發生 And of course, in this line of business, anything can happen.
但我知道薇基會保護好自己 But I know that Vicki can take care of herself.
你確定這能起作用？ Are you sure this is gonna work?
別擔心 Don't worry.
當你轉身對著槍口 When you turn around at gunpoint,
他們看出來不是我 and they see that it's not me,
他們會極度抓狂 they are gonna be so furious,
然后不知所措 they're not gonna know what to do.
那個時候我們就能抓住他們了 And that's when we got them.
嗯！ Hmm.
怎么了？ What?
你看上去真漂亮 You just look really pretty.
謝謝 Thank you?
走吧，派帕，走吧，馬克格魯伯 Come on, Piper. Come on, MacGruber.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
好了，薇基，如果我們要引蛇出洞 All right, Vick. If we're gonna draw this bastard out,
他會以為他鎖定的是活生生的，馬克格魯伯 he's gotta think he's got eyes on the real live MacGruber.
好吧 Okay.
好的，別擔心，我掩護你 MACGRUBER ON RADIO: Okay, don't worry, we got your back.
我們離你只有7條街距離，如果有任何不測… We're only seven blocks away, so if anything goes down...
7條街？ Seven blocks?
你明白了，大約20條街 Okay, you got me. About 20 blocks.
如果有任何不測，我們會立即趕到 But if anything goes down, we'll be right there.
有什么正接近我嗎？ Wasn't anything closer?
- 沒有 - 大量光斑正接近 Nope. There were tons of spots closer.
當然，好几米呢 Yeah, with meters.
好吧，聽著，我覺得不該再和你說話了 Fine. Look, I don't think I should be talking to you anymore,
因為別人都盯著我，以為我在自言自語 because people are gonna be staring at me and thinking that I'm talking to myself.
我不想吸引太多注意 And I don't want to attract attention.
我到了收銀台 And I'm at the counter,
准備點單 so just gonna order now.
需要點什么？ Can I help you?
小杯拿鐵 (TIMIDLY) Can I have a small latte?
不要不要 No, no, no.
馬克格魯伯永遠不會點那個 MacGruber would never order that.
我只要大杯泰舒茶 I'm all about the large Tazo tea.
不好意思，換一下可以嗎？ I'm sorry. Sorry. Can I change that?
我能要杯大杯泰舒茶嗎？ Can I get a large Tazo tea?
當然，其它呢？ Sure. Anything else?
- 不要 - 不要 No! No!
抱歉 (MOUTHING) Sorry.
能報上你的名字嗎？ Can I get your name?
這回自己發揮，薇基 I'll let you take this one, Vick.
呃…馬克格魯伯 Um... (LOUDLY) MacGruber.
干得好 Good job.
收您$3.45 It's gonna be $3.45.
是的，當然，每次都是這么多 Yes, it is. That's what it is every time I get it.
謝謝 (SOFTLY) Thanks.
薇基，別給小費，你在干什么？拿回小費 No, Vicki, no tip. What are you doing? Get that tip back.
我必須… I have to...
不好意思 I'm sorry.
不，說你沒有不好意思 No, say you're not sorry.
我沒有…沒有不好意思 I'm not... I'm not sorry.
我是說，我不好意思 作為我本人，不好意思 (WHISPERING) I mean, I'm sorry. As me, I'm sorry.
哇哦！ Wow.
現在，轉移到收銀台一端 Okay, now why don't you move down to the end of the counter?
向前，向前…停，停！ Further. Further... Stop! Stop!
馬克格魯伯 MacGruber.
是我 That's me.
現在，最重要的，仔細聽好了 Now, here is the most important thing. Listen carefully.
左手舉起茶杯到嘴邊 With your left hand, lift the cup up to your mouth.
打開嘴唇，傾斜茶杯 Open your lips, then tilt the cup back
直到茶水… until the liquid...
趴下，趴下，趴下 (GUN FIRING) Down, down, down!
(MACGRUBER SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
我們要死了！我們要死了！ MACGRUBER: We're gonna die! We're gonna die!
萬能拖把遞給我！ Hand me that Incredi-Mop!
我暫時很忙！ I'm a little busy at the moment!
萬能拖把遞給我！這是命令！ Hand me that Incredi-Mop, and that is an order!
(SCREAMING)
行！ Fine!
不！喔！天吶！不！ (CRYING) No! Oh, my God! No!
(TRUCK ENGINE STARTING)
喔，天哪，不！我的老天爺！ Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, my God.
- 薇基？ - 天吶！你還活著？ Vicki? Oh, my God! You're alive?
是的，我們還活著 我們現在過去，在后街等我們 Yeah, we're alive. We're coming over there. Meet us out in the alley.
好！ Okay. (SIGHS IN RELIEF)
(CLEARS THROAT)
我的隊員受到襲擊 My teammates were getting shot.
他們活著，他們成功了 They're alive. They made it.
謝謝 Thank you.
那個萬能拖把干得不錯 That was nice work with that Incredi-Mop.
是啊，為產品做了很好的廣告 Yeah, it would be a good commercial for their product.
我不太相信這也能 I'm not so sure that it would be.
赫斯﹒班德，逝世年齡──誰在乎 Hoss Bender. Dead at the age of who-the-fuck-cares.
馬克格魯伯！ MacGruber!
薇基 Vicki.
呼！ (CHUCKLING) Ooh. (CAR ALARM BEEPS)
馬克格魯伯，我十分擔心你 MacGruber, I was so worried about you.
薇基，我也很擔心你 Well, I was really worried about you, too, Vick.
- 真的？ - 是的 Really? Yeah.
我是說，我只有兩件馬甲 I mean, I only have, like, two of these vests,
其中一件被槍擊 so if either of them got shot up,
都是給我當頭一棒 it would be a real bummer for me.
我是說，它們并不貴 I mean, they're not expensive.
- 只是真的很難找 - 我明白了 But they're really hard to find. Yeah, I got it.
伙計們，我找到赫斯的車了 Hey, guys! I found Hoss' car.
喔，娘親！ Oh, mama!
真是一整票的銀子 That's a whole lot of wampum.
他在導航儀中標出了 本市每一個脫衣舞俱樂部 He's got every strip club in the city in his GPS.
赫斯﹒班德，你究竟計划做什么？ Hoss Bender, what the hell are you planning on doing
用這么多錢？ with all this money?
我覺得十分明顯 I think it's fairly obvious.
他打算去購買密… He was going to use it to buy the pass...
買密碼！當然 Buy the passcodes! Yup.
同時反應過來 Got there at the same time,
可能比你快 maybe even slightly before you.
當然，他打算用這些錢買密碼 Yep, he's gonna use it to buy the passcodes.
太詭異了 This is weird.
他今天下午有個約會，所有都說是“STD” He has an appointment this afternoon, and all it says is "STD."
去過 Been there.
STD也是斯坦斯菲爾德鐵路場的代碼 STD is also code for the old Stansfield rail yard,
離這兒有10英里遠 which is about 10 miles from here.
我要把它導入導航儀 I'm just going to pop that into this GPS.
是的，導入 Yeah, pop it in. (GPS BEEPING)
你知道嗎？路線已經設定好了 Well, what do you know? It's already routed.
我們去拿密碼，你們覺得如何？ What do you say we go get ourselves some passcodes?
很好，但如果赫斯不現身，任務就夭折了 Yeah, but if Hoss doesn't show up, they'll abort the drop.
誰說赫斯不會現身？ Who said Hoss isn't gonna show up?
好了，行動之前，有什么問題嗎？ Okay, now, before we do this, any questions?
為什么我要假扮赫斯？ Why do I have to be Hoss?
因為你擅長假扮 Because you're good at what you do.
為什么我要成為你？ And why do I have to be you?
首先，你永遠不會成為我，第二… First of all, you will never be me. And second of all...
我忽略你的問題 I forget your question.
好了 Okay.
看上去我們要解決3個守衛 So it looks like we're dealing with three guards here.
守衛扎堆 PIPER: Then it's three on three.
好了，一旦我們除去守衛 Okay, so once we take out the guards,
薇基假扮成赫斯走進去 Vicki will walk in dressed as Hoss,
然后我們只要 and then we'll just,
看情況吧 you know, see what happens.
- 准備好了嗎？ - 等等 MACGRUBER: You ready? PIPER: Wait.
等等，我們只要即興發揮？ Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?
派帕，即興發揮 Piper, there's a big difference between winging it
和看情況有很大區別 and seeing what happens.
我們來看有什么情況 Now let's see what happens.
- 不，謝了 - 什么？ No, thanks. What?
馬克格魯伯不像霍邁那樣游戲 MacGrubie don't play like Homey.
霍邁也不這么玩兒 And Homey don't play like that.
抱歉，我不明白你在說什么 I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.
我是說，我不需要槍 I'm saying I don't use guns.
所以他們說的都是事實 So it's true what they say about you.
懦夫才需要槍，白痴才需要槍 Guns are for the weak. Guns are for the stupid.
沒有冒犯之意 No offense.
看看我們能找到什么？ MACGRUBER: Let's see, what do we got in here?
一塊破布、線圈、網球 A piece of cloth, a spool, a tennis ball...
你在干嘛？ What are you doing?
分散一點小小的注意 Making a little distraction.
(MACGRUBER CAWING)
什么東西？ What the hell is that?
什么鬼東西？ What the fuck?
就現在！ (WHISPERS) Now!
上帝 Jesus.
快！快！快！ Now! Now! Now!
太棒了！ Yes!
我必須承認，起了點作用 I gotta admit, that sort of worked.
起了點作用？我殺了3個人呢 Sort of worked? I just killed three bad guys.
那是我槍殺了他們 They're dead because I shot them.
因為他們分散了注意 Because they were distracted.
好的，給你個建議 Okay, now, piece of advice.
當你用這個老芹菜把戲時 When you use the old celery trick,
你想先從粗的一端開始 you're gonna wanna go with the thick end.
直覺上相反 Seems counter-intuitive,
如果從細的一端開始 but if you go thin end first,
它會滑出來，然后你就… it just slides right out and you're...
你在浪費時間 You're wasting your time.
我永遠不會這么做 I'm never, ever gonna do that.
永遠不要說“永遠不”，好了，跟上我 Never ever say, "Never ever." Okay, follow me.
那是康斯坦丁巴赫和澤克普雷謝特 That's Constantine Bach and Zeke Pleshette.
如果我沒弄錯的話，當然我永遠不會錯 And if I'm not mistaken, which I never am,
那個提著手提箱的混蛋持有密碼 that briefcase-carrying pile of shit has the passcodes.
好了，薇基，該你上場了 All right, Vick, it's go time.
我真的得這么做嗎？ Do I really have to do this?
很好，薇基，開始走吧 MACGRUBER ON RADIO: Nice one, Vick. Start walking.
(BREATHING NERVOUSLY)
好的，我正在走 Okay, I'm walking.
目前為止一切都好 Nothing bad has happened yet.
我還活著 I'm still alive.
聽著，一切正常 Look, you're gonna be fine.
就和在尼加拉瓜一樣 This is just like Nicaragua.
我在尼加拉瓜中槍了 I got shot in Nicaragua.
別但心，這和尼加拉瓜完全不同 Don't worry, this is nothing like Nicaragua.
好吧 (NERVOUSLY) Okay.
好的，我透過窗戶看見你了 Okay, I think I see you through the window.
現在繼續走 Now just walk on in here, and, I don't know,
祝你好運 fingers crossed.
這太刺激了 (WHISPERING) This is so exciting.
(CHUCKLING)
好的，現在穿過入口，緩緩的 Okay, now head through the entrance, slowly.
別擔心 And don't worry.
記住，他們以為你是赫斯﹒班德 Remember, they think you're Hoss Bender,
所以這會讓他們花點時間去… so it's gonna take them a little while to...
那不是赫斯！ That's not Hoss!
(SCREAMING)
我的上帝啊！ Oh, my God!
媽的！ Shit!
(EXCLAIMS)
你干什么？ What are you doing?
自制手榴彈！ Making a homemade grenade!
能借你的槍嗎？我要點東西點火 Can I borrow your gun? I need something to stir this with.
不行！我要用！用你的手指！ No! I'm using it! Use your finger!
注意你的口氣！ Watch your tone!
(EXCLAIMING)
等等等等！別擔心！讓我來！ Oh, hold on! Don't worry, I got this one.
可惡，他們拿到了密碼 Damn it, they got the passcodes!
伙計們？ Hey, guys?
薇基，你還好么？ Vicki! You all right?
我丟了錢 I lost the money.
還尿了褲子 And I peed my jeans.
抱歉 Sorry.
我尿濕了 I peed them.
惡心 Gross.
洗過了 I washed it.
其實沒有 (WHISPERS) I didn't.
我們的收獲只有這個手機 Looks like this cell phone's all we got.
我們最好充分利用 Then we better make the most of it.
因為在這個節骨眼上 這是我們和X-5的唯一聯系 'Cause at this point, this is our only connection to the X-5.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
糟糕！電話響了！薇基，電話追蹤器 Holy shit! It's ringing! Vicki, call tracer.
電話追蹤器 Call tracer.
一切就緒，馬克格魯伯 Set to jet, MacGruber.
記住，馬克格魯伯 Now remember, MacGruber,
你得穩住他足夠長時間才能定位 you gotta keep him on the line long enough to get a location.
別擔心，之前做過 Don't worry. I've done this before.
聽著，你這個垃圾，赫斯和澤克都死了 Listen to me, you piece of shit. Hoss and Zeke are dead,
如果你不告訴我你是誰… and if you don't tell me who this is...
他挂了，找到了沒？ He hung up. Did you get it?
- 沒有 - 哇哦 No. Wow.
可惡，那玩意有用么？ Damn it. Is that thing working?
當然，但是你得穩住他們，至少20秒 Yeah. But you gotta keep them on the phone for at least 20 seconds.
- 有20秒了 - 估計只有3秒鐘 That was 20. That was maybe three.
媽的！你說對了，媽的… Shit! You're right. Shit, shit, shit!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
第二次機會！藐視你！ (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Second chance! In your face!
聽著，你這個垃圾，赫斯和澤克… Listen to me, you piece of shit. Hoss and Zeke are...
我的電話，說話！ That's my phone. Talk to me.
馬克格魯伯，我是馮斯 MacGruber, it's Faith.
上校，怎么了？ Colonel! How's it going?
任務進度如何？ What's the mission status?
十分的好，上校 是么，伙計們？ Positively banging, Colonel. Right, guys?
他們太興奮了，政府那邊情況如何？ Oh, they're jazzed. How's everything at the P-Gon?
我們確實有條線索 Well, we do have one lead.
你可能已經知道了 You probably already know about it.
今晚康斯住處要舉辦一場募捐晚會 Cunth's having a fundraising event at his mansion tonight.
我們當然知道康斯的晚會 We do know about Cunth's party,
必定鐘響人到 and we will be there with bells on.
當然不是，馬克格魯伯 Absolutely not, MacGruber.
先生，我不會帶鐘去的 Sir, I'm not gonna wear bells.
不，馬克，你不能去那個活動 No, Mac. You are not to enter that party.
目前，康斯不知道你還活著 Right now, Cunth has no idea you're even alive
這對于我們來說是個極大優勢 and that is a huge advantage to us.
是的 Yes.
只需要監視 This is surveillance only.
我要准確知道有誰參加 I want to know exactly who comes through that door.
明白了嗎？ Is that clear?
非常明朗 Loud and.
康斯要舉辦晚會？ So, Cunth is having a party?
是的 Yeah, he is.
猜猜誰被邀請入列？ And guess who just made the guest list.
猜猜誰被邀請入列呀 Guess who just made the guest list.
- 我們？ - 當然 Us? Yes.
如果記錄在案 我認為這是一項特別愚蠢的舉動 For the record, I think this is a really stupid move.
別擔心，我會盡量保持低調 MACGRUBER ON RADIO: Don't worry, I'm gonna keep a real low profile.
- 需要寄存衣服么？ - 不要 May I take your coat? No.
你的汽車音箱？ Your car stereo?
想得美 Nice try.
好吧，我倆對于低調的定義 Okay, I think our definitions of low profile
可能有所不同 might be a little different.
你覺得呢？薇基在哪兒？ You think? Where's Vicki?
她十分鐘前就到了，在房子后面 She arrived 10 minutes ago. She's out back.
我很快會找到她 I'll find her in a sec.
首先，我得先解決點分內事 First, I got a little business to attend to.
馬克格魯伯，回來 MacGruber, come in.
上帝！ Jesus Christ.
你去哪兒了 Where have you been?
抱歉，我剛剛在主人廁所里upper decker Sorry, I just took an upper decker in the master bathroom.
Upper decker？ Upper decker?
是啊，在水槽里上大號，而不是廁盆里 Yeah, it's where you take a dump in the water tank and not in the bowl.
你看上去真美 You look great.
謝謝 (CHUCKLES) Thank you.
聽著，薇基 Look, Vick,
我需要你四處轉轉，看能發現什么 I'm going to need you to poke around, see what you can dig up.
我早就看出來了 I'm way ahead of you.
看見那個人沒有？ You see that guy over there?
我看見到從康斯辦公室走出來 I saw him coming out of Cunth's office.
我覺得他是個打手 I think he's one of his goons.
哪個人？ Which guy?
那個帥氣的家伙？ That handsome guy.
那個家伙？你覺得他帥氣？ That guy? You think he's handsome?
是啊，他很帥氣 Yeah, he's very handsome.
真的？好吧，如果你覺得他很帥 Really? Well, if you think he's so handsome,
怎么不嫁給他？ then why don't you marry him?
講真的 No, seriously.
如果你覺得他那么帥，嫁給他 If you think he's so handsome, go marry him.
你不這么做，派帕和我要搶先了，好嗎？ Leave the case. Piper and I will do it. Okay?
你覺得他有那么帥？ Is he that handsome to you?
你打算為了他辭去工作？ Are you willing to quit your job for him?
你打算為了他辭去工作？
- 不會 - 很好 No. Good.
那個人才是我想讓你調查的 Now that's the guy I want you to check out.
他充滿了動機 He's teeming with intel.
什么？ What?
跟著他，這是個命令 Follow that guy, and that is an order.
離那個家伙遠點 And stay away from that guy,
其實我覺得他很丑 who I actually would describe as ugly.
這是另一個命令 And that is another order.
兩個命令 So, two orders.
派帕，找到康斯了嗎？ Piper, you got a location on Cunth?
他應該在南側大廳 He appears to be in the south wing.
正過去 On my way.
那個人 That guy.
我下25000，加50賭注 I will see your 25,000 and raise you 50.
他虛張聲勢 MACGRUBER: He's bluffing.
我從他的小眼睛中能看出來 I can tell by the look in his beady little eyes.
馬克格魯伯，我一直在等你 MacGruber. We've been expecting you.
你下注，加夫參議員 Bet's to you, Senator Garver.
我全下 I'm all in.
加夫參議員下了 $750000 The Senator's all in for $750,000.
翻 CUNTH: Call.
- 同花順 - 可惡！ Straight flush. Damn it!
我的助手會協助你還債，參議員，晚安 My associate will assist you with your debt, Senator. Good night.
很抱歉，真的 Sorry about that. Really.
我以為他虛張聲勢，所以… I thought he was bluffing there, so...
謝謝，馬克格魯伯 Thank you, MacGruber.
你剛剛讓我稍稍富裕了一點 You just made me a teeny-weeny bit wealthier than I already am.
當然，我確定你這么做是有意義的 Well, I'm sure you'll find something useful to do with it.
你的同伴真年輕漂亮 Your companion's a very beautiful young woman.
謝謝 Thank you.
希望你們享受彼此 Hope you enjoy being date raped, ma'am.
她是我女兒 This is my daughter.
你好 Hello.
抱歉 MACGRUBER: Sorry.
他殺了我妻子 He killed my wife.
你能給我們點時間嗎？ Will you excuse us for a minute, please?
X-5在哪兒？ Where's the X-5?
我不明白你在說什么 I don't know what you're talking about.
彈頭到底在哪兒？ Where's the fucking warhead?
我要核彈頭做什么？ What would I want with a nuclear warhead?
啊哈，我沒說過是核制的哦 (LAUGHS) I never said it was nuclear.
的確，大多數彈頭填充物都是氣體 That's right, because most warheads are filled with air.
前几天，我碰上了澤克﹒普雷謝特 You know, I ran into Zeke Pleshette
還有赫斯﹒班德 and Hoss Bender the other day.
真的？他們還好么？ Really? How were they?
現在看來，已經歸西 A lot less dead than they are now.
真的？太糟糕了 Oh, really. That's too bad.
是啊，對你來說太糟糕了，因為他們是 Yeah, it's too bad for you. 'Cause they were a part
你的殺手夢之隊成員，不是么？ of your little dream team of thugs, weren't they?
喔，的確，你說對了，過去時，他們曾經是… Oh, that's right. You got me. Past tense. They were...
是啊，的確很悲慘 Yeah, it's really quite a sad story, actually.
你指什么？ What do you mean?
我的確組織過迄今為止最棒的夢之隊 I had assembled the greatest dream team of thugs
我的確組織過迄今為止最棒的夢之隊
in the history of the world. 我的確組織過迄今為止最棒的夢之隊
我把他們丟在了一個地方 I had them all in one room,
我也做過一些自制C-4炸藥 and I also had some homemade C-4.
難道你不知道，它爆炸了 And wouldn't you know it, it exploded.
我失去了他們 And I lost them all.
你在侮辱我！你在侮辱我！ You're shitting me. You're shitting me!
當然，我們有共同之處 Well, we have a lot in common
因為從根本上說，我做了同樣… because I basically did the same thing...
不，等等，那可沒在我身上發生 Oh, no, wait. That didn't happen to me
因為我不是個炸死自己兄弟的傻帽 because I'm not a fucking retard who blows up his own dudes.
我 ，康斯 Fuck you, Cunth.
順便說一下，我有了個新隊伍 And by the way, I have a new team now.
不僅僅有薇基﹒埃莫爾 Not only do I have Vicki St. Elmo...
可能你聽說過 Maybe you've heard of her?
并且我還擁有最具軍人頭腦的人 But I also have one of the greatest young military minds around.
我是說，這個人貨真價實 I mean, this guy's the real deal.
我們會阻止你 And we're gonna stop you.
你的確有著健全的想象力 Well, you certainly have a healthy imagination, MacGruber.
但對于彈頭、核武器還是其它東西 我一無所知 But I don't know anything about a warhead, nuclear or otherwise.
你在撒謊，你這個垃圾 You're lying. And you're a piece of shit.
我們說完了 We're all done here.
麻煩告訴馬克格魯伯先生門口在哪兒 Would you show Mr. MacGruber the door?
告訴你怎么讓你垮台 Let me tell you how this is gonna go down.
首先我要揍你的下巴 First I'm gonna kick you in the chin,
讓你下顎一分為四 breaking your jaw in four places.
擒住你，然后從背上翻倒你 I'm gonna take you and karate flip you over my back,
然后把你的鼻子陷進大腦，立刻殺了你 and then knee your nose into your brain, killing you instantly.
我很想在這里撕碎一只喉嚨 I do wanna get a throat rip in here.
我覺得應該是你，小小的嘗試 I think that's gonna be you, small fry.
一件事我很確定，在結束的那天，康斯 One thing I do know, at the end of the day, Cunth,
我要撕裂你的老二，塞進你嘴里 I'm gonna rip your dick off and shove it in your mouth.
我要撕裂你的老二，塞進你嘴里
這是沒法商量的哦，誰先來？ And that is non-negotiable. Who's first?
媽的！ Shit!
我的背！ My fucking back.
不僅如此，還有個導航儀！ You did not just do that. That is a Blaupunkt!
你欠我個導航儀！ You owe me a Blaupunkt!
薇基在哪兒？ Where's Vicki?
我不敢這么做 I'm not sure I can do this.
薇基，你在哪兒？ MACGRUBER ON RADIO: Vicki, where are you?
不為你自己，為了你的家人 Don't do it for yourself. Do it for your family.
薇基 Vicki!
我的家人？ GARVER: My family?
晚安，參議員 Good night, Senator.
薇基，我被踢出了晚會 Vicki, I just got thrown out of the party.
- 從窗戶扔了出來 - 噓 I got thrown through a window. Shh.
還扔了我的導航儀 Threw my Blaupunkt out, too.
它壞了，我真的很失望 And it's broken, and I'm really fucking bummed about it.
它壞了，我真的很失望
馬克格魯伯，我在觀察加夫參議員 和康斯坦丁﹒巴赫私下交談 MacGruber, I'm watching Senator Garver talk to Constantine Bach.
好吧，我很高興你這么開心 Oh, well, I'm glad that you're having so much fun
找出晚會上所有可愛的家伙吧，薇基 checking out all the cute guys at the party, Vicki,
但是我們有核威脅 but there's a nuclear threat going on
我們可以使用一切可行的幫助 and we could use all the help we can get.
你能離開了嗎？ So can you please get out here?
那行 (SIGHS) Fine.
首先，晚會很棒 First of all, great party.
避開這些不談 Let's get that out of the way.
我喜愛那些音樂，舞蹈 I loved the music, I loved the dancing,
壽司，非常出色 the sushi, excellent.
我尤其喜歡 I particularly enjoyed being humiliated
在我的女兒和所有貴賓面前 被馬克格魯伯羞辱 by MacGruber in front of my daughter and all my guests.
問一下，他怎么進來的？ By the way, does anyone know how he got in?
從前門進入，先生 He walked in the front door, sir.
從前門進入 He walked in the front door.
我覺得應該有個更完整的解釋 I imagined there'd be a more complicated explanation than that.
抱歉，先生 Sorry, sir.
杰夫，無需抱歉 Jeff, there's no need to apologize.
很感激你的真誠 I appreciate your honesty.
你能往左邊移一點么？ Would you move a bit to your left, please?
是 Sir.
很好 Great.
還有誰覺得自己真誠了？ Anyone else feel like being honest?
很好，把他挂到休息室，去干掉馬克格魯伯 Great, hang that in the foyer and go kill MacGruber.
可惡，馬克格魯伯！ Damn it, MacGruber!
我特別提醒過你不要進去 I specifically told you not to go in there.
我讓他明確，我要抓他 I got him exactly where I want him.
是么？因為我覺得可以另辟蹊徑 Do you? 'Cause I think it's the other way around.
同意意見分歧，吉姆 Agree to disagree, Jim.
聽著，我真的很抱歉，好嗎？ Look, I'm really sorry, okay?
“抱歉”不能阻止我們遠離核彈頭的危害 "Sorry" is not going to keep us safe from this goddamn warhead!
馬克，你已經成為了個負擔 Mac, you've turned into a liability.
我別無選擇，只能讓你退出任務 And I have no choice but to take you off this mission.
這次，我說真的 And this time, it's for real.
但他現在已經有密碼了 But he has the passcodes now!
因為你阻止不了他 Because you couldn't stop him.
吉姆，你不能這么做 Jim, you can't do this.
喔，當然能，而且我做了 Oh, I can and I just did.
我愿意舔你的老二 I will suck your fucking dick.
我愿意讓你羞辱我 I will let you fuck me.
很抱歉，馬克 (SCOFFS) I'm sorry, Mac.
結束了 It's over.
我停止不了去想參議員加夫 拿著的信封是什么 I can't stop thinking about that envelope that Senator Garver got.
我敢打賭，那里面肯定有線索 I bet there was some kind of a clue in there.
很可笑你還在想著，薇基 It's cute that you're still thinking about that, Vicki.
但，相信我，加夫與此事無關 But, trust me, there's nothing to Garver.
我的內臟有種感覺 I have a feeling in my gut.
好吧，不好意思 Yeah. Sorry.
你不用不好意思 No, you have nothing to be sorry about.
你們倆都做得很出色 Both of you guys have just done a great job.
如果有人要指責，應該是我 If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.
如果能給你點安慰 If it's any consolation,
過去几天和你的相處 being with you the last few days,
我學到了很多 I've learned a lot.
都是關于什么不該做 All of it was what not to do,
但這些是學習過程中的重要一環 but that's an important part of the learning process.
我得用一下洗手間 I'm gonna go use the ladies' room.
大號還是小號？ Number one or number two?
不關你的事 Number none-of-your-business.
就是說小號咯 That means number two.
閉嘴！ Shut up!
你打算何時發出進攻？ So when are you gonna make your move?
你說什么呢？ What are you talking about?
老兄，一英里以外都能看出來 Come on, man. You can see it from a mile away.
閉上你的臭嘴！ (LAUGHS) Shut your butt!
不，說真的，你們倆很登對 No, seriously. You two are perfect for each other.
（西班牙語） (SPEAKING SPANISH)
我是說，別誤會我，她是個好女人 I mean, look, don't get me wrong. She's a good woman.
做事忠誠，完美 Loyal, great at what she does,
長相完美，身材極致 good-Iooking, rocking bod,
會穿衣服，有填詞天賦 smooth dresser, talented lyricist.
但我很有信心地告訴你 But I can very confidently tell you
薇基和我永遠不會成為你想像的那樣 that Vicki and I will never ever be like that.
永遠不說“永遠不” Never ever say, "Never ever."
不，這次我會 No, this time I can.
凱西之后，我自己定下承諾 After Casey, I made a promise to myself
永遠不會再有另一個女人 that I would never be with another woman.
一定很艱難 Must have been really hard.
他為什么這么做？ 康斯為什么要殺你的妻子？ Why did he do it? Why did Cunth kill your wife?
到今天，我也不知道 To this day, I have no idea.
其實，我們是大學同學 We actually all went to college together.
信不信由你，我們曾是很好的朋友 Believe it or not, we were very close friends.
畢業后，他們倆訂婚了 Then after graduation, he got engaged to her.
他讓我做伴郎 He asked me to be his best man
就在那個時候 and right about that time,
我對她有點心動 I started banging her and mowing her box.
其實她是第一個 She was actually the first person
讓我覺得舒適的人 I felt comfortable enough around
縱使她吞噬我的一切 to let eat out my butt.
總之，從那之后 Anyway, shortly thereafter,
她為了我離開了他 she left him for me.
其實那時候她已經壞了他的孩子 She was actually carrying his child at the time.
我當然讓她打掉了 I asked her to terminate it, obviously,
這樣我們可以從新開始 so we could start fresh.
她同意了 And she agreed.
我們如此相愛 We were so in love.
是他奪走了一切 And he took that from me.
真混亂 That's really fucked up.
謝謝 Thanks.
你是個很不錯的人 You know, you're a good guy.
有些事情我想道歉 And I need to apologize for something.
- 不，不需要 - 不，需要 No, you don't. No, I do.
我對你太糟糕了 I treated you so badly.
我想只是覺得被你威脅了，信不信由你 I guess I just felt threatened by you, believe it or not.
我以前從未有過 And I'm not used to feeling that way.
我是說 I mean,
我是無敵馬克格魯伯 I'm fucking MacGruber.
事情都過去了 Water under the bridge.
你懂的！ You know it.
你也懂的！ (LAUGHS) You know it!
再來一瓶，格魯伯？ Another beer, Grubes?
還有摩森… Let's see, we got Molsons...
噓 Shh.
什么？ What?
我們有伴兒了 We got company.
派帕！不！ (DISTORTED) Piper! No!
(GUNS FIRING)
(SCREAMING)
薇基！躲在他身后 Vicki! Get behind him!
(VICKI SCREAMING)
進來，進來，進來！快進來！ Get in, get in, get in! I'm trying to get in!
坐低點！ Stay low! Stay low!
天吶，他死了？ Oh, my God, is he dead?
是的，他死了！ Yes! Yes, he's dead!
(GASPS)
喔，天吶！我靠！ Oh, fuck! Holy shit!
天吶，我以為我們沒救了 Oh, my God. I thought we were goners.
你怎么知道我穿了防彈衣？ How did you know I was wearing a bulletproof vest?
你穿了防彈衣？太牛了 You're wearing a bulletproof vest? Awesome!
什么，你不知道？ What, you didn't know?
不，我當然知道 No, of course I knew.
我 一直都知道 I knew the whole time, yeah.
停車，讓我走人 Pull over and let me out.
不行，為什么？ No. Why?
因為你剛剛把我當成了人形盾牌 Because you just used me as a human shield!
- 沒有！我沒有！ - 你有！ I did not! No, I didn't! Yes, you did!
薇基，我剛剛把他當作人形盾牌了么？ Vicki, did I just use him as a human shield?
是的，有點像 Yeah, you kind of did.
行，你把這毀成了稀巴爛 Okay, you're blowing this out of proportion,
感謝您 and thanks.
停車 Pull over.
- 停車！ - 行！ Pull over! Fine.
你踢我的車？你敢這么做 Did you just kick my car? Oh, no, you don't.
你不敢！太成熟了！ No, you don't! Real mature!
你個混蛋！馬克格魯伯 You suck, MacGruber!
拜，派帕！安全回家！ VICKl: Bye, Piper! Get home safe!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
你還好嗎？ Are you okay?
恩 Yeah.
天吶，你的腿怎么了？ My God, what happened to your leg?
- 沒什么 - 馬克格魯伯，你中槍了 It's nothing. MacGruber, you've been shot!
我倒希望是打在頭部 I wish it was through the head.
別這么說 Don't say that.
進來，幫你取出子彈 Come inside. Let me get that bullet out of you.
會有一點疼 This is gonna sting a little.
(GASPS)
我要開始移動子彈了 I'm going to remove the bullet now.
你要咬住這個嗎？ Do you want to bite down on this?
疼痛我活該 I deserve pain.
(GASPING)
我不知道怎么回事 I don't know what happened back there.
我嚇壞了 I just freaked out.
每個人都會犯錯 Everybody makes mistakes.
不 No.
我不會 Not me.
- 他并沒有死 - 很有可能 He didn't die. But he could have.
你對自己太嚴厲了 You're being too hard on yourself.
可能上校是對的 Or maybe the Colonel was right.
我失去了一切 Maybe I've lost it. (EXCLAIMS)
你怎么還留在這里 Why do you stick around?
因為我相信你做的 Because I believe in what you're doing.
你確定？ You do?
是的 Yes.
你是個很棒的人 You're an amazing man.
你很帥氣，身材完美 You're gorgeous, you have a perfect body.
有品味 A great sense of style.
你聰明又勇敢 You're smart and brave.
是啊 Yeah.
凱西能擁有你很幸運 Casey was a very lucky woman to have a guy like you.
你也是一個特別的女人 Well, you're a very special woman, too.
告訴我，你為何還不安定下來？ Tell me, why didn't you ever settle down?
我只愛過一個人 I've only ever loved one man.
他已經被占據了 He's taken.
喔 Oh.
他結婚了？ He's married?
曾經 He was.
但她仍然在他心底，上帝安撫她的靈魂 But she's still in his heart, God rest her soul.
我只希望他不會責備自己 I just hope he doesn't blame himself
因為婚禮上，她被炸死了 for her getting blown up at their wedding.
可能有一天 Maybe one day,
你能有勇氣告訴他你的感覺 you'll get the courage to tell him how you feel.
可能吧 Maybe.
(GASPS)
取出來了 I got it.
馬克格魯伯 MacGruber.
抱歉 Sorry.
我總是容易興奮 I always get an erection
當一個美麗的女人在我面前用鉗子 when a beautiful woman uses a pair of pliers near my balls.
馬克格魯伯 (CHUCKLES) MacGruber.
謝謝 Thank you.
我得給你縫合 I better get you sewn up.
不用 No.
就開放著 Leave it open.
我喜歡有洞 (WHISPERS) I like holes.
我是個處女 I'm a virgin.
不再是 Not for long.
(MACGRUBER MOANING LOUDLY)
天吶，我要讓你爆炸 My God, I'm gonna frigging explode inside you.
我要涌出來 I'm going to spill it.
我要填滿你 I'm going to fill you up.
- 什么？ - 我要填滿你 What? I'm going to fill you up!
- 好了，話由我來說 - 抱歉 Okay. Just let me do the talking. Sorry.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
(MOANING LOUDLY)
(MOANING SLOWS)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(PANTING)
你太棒了 You were amazing.
我得走了 I have to go.
怎么了？ What's wrong?
我得走了 I have to go.
噢！ Oh!
媽的！ Shoot!
馬克格魯伯！ MacGruber!
馬克格魯伯！等等！ MacGruber! Wait!
真的很對不起，凱西 I'm so sorry, Casey.
我剛剛和另一個女人上床了 I just made love to another woman.
我禁不住覺得自己背叛了你 I can't help but feel that I've betrayed you.
沒什么，馬克格魯伯 CASEY: It's okay, MacGruber.
凱西？ Casey?
沒什么 It's okay.
和薇基在一起吧 Be with Vicki.
但我不能這么對你 But I can't do that to you.
你的生活還得繼續 You have to move on with your life.
我不知道該說什么 I don't know what to say.
那就什么都不要說 Then don't say anything.
(MACGRUBER MOANING RAPIDLY)
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Wow. Wow. Wow.
(BOTH MOANING) Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
我受不了了 I'm going to shoot.
我快受不了了 I'm going to fucking shoot.
我也是 I'm gonna shoot, too.
我們一起吧 Let's shoot together.
好 Okay.
(GRUNTING LOUDLY)
(DOG BARKING)
(DOG HOWLING)
我好了 I shot.
我也是 I did, too.
走吧，馬克格魯伯 Now go, MacGruber.
告訴薇基你對她的感覺 Go tell Vicki how you feel about her.
我會的 I will.
對了，還有，凱西 Oh, and Casey?
謝謝 Thanks.
多好的機會 What are the chances?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
馬克格魯伯在此 Go for Grubes.
- 馬克格魯伯 - 親愛的 MacGruber. Oh, sweet.
我想要道歉 Look, I just wanted to apologize
對于那天的事情 for how things went down the other day
并告訴你個好消息 and give you the good news.
好消息？ Good news?
我洗耳恭聽 I'm all ears.
我們剛剛收到情報 We just received intel
俄國特種部隊剛剛找到X-5 that Russian special forces have recovered the X-5.
太好了！ That's great!
拿下康斯的時候，我想在場 I want to be there when you take Cunth down.
馬克格魯伯，聽著，我們弄錯康斯了 MacGruber, listen. We were wrong about Cunth.
他沒有涉嫌在內 He's not involved.
是車臣叛亂 It was Chechen rebels.
吉姆，你錯了，這是康斯的本性 Jim, you're wrong about being wrong. This is textbook Cunth.
告訴你，馬克，他是清白的 I'm telling you, Mac, he's clean.
是啊，清白的像只豬 Yeah, as clean as a pig dick.
聽著，吉姆，他讓你分撒注意 Look, Jim, this has gotta be some kind of distraction
這樣他就能操作X-5 so he can use the X-5.
我的內臟告訴我，他很快就要行動了 And my gut tells me he's gonna use it soon.
我不知道他要做什么 I don't know what he's gonna do...
噢，我的上帝！ Oh, my God.
吉姆！吉姆！康斯要對美國發動核戰爭 Jim! Jim! Cunth is gonna nuke the State of the Union!
馬克格魯伯，這個情報非常可靠 MacGruber, this intel comes from a very reliable source.
現在，幫我個忙，休息一陣子 Now, do me a favor. Take some time off.
去海邊還是哪兒 Just go to a beach somewhere,
脫掉你的鞋，喝上一點摩森 kick off your boots and drink a few Molsons.
我有個更好的主意 I have a better idea.
我要拯救世界 I'm gonna go save the world.
嗨，搞什么東西？ Hey, what the fuck?
去死，混蛋！ Fuck you, asshole!
我的車！ That's my car!
(SIGHS)
參議員，告訴我你在哪兒得到的情報？ Senator, tell me again where you got this intel.
抱歉，吉姆，我別無選擇 I'm sorry, Jim. I had no choice.
薇基 Vicki.
對不起，薇基 I'm so sorry, Vicki.
怎么回事？ What the hell?
薇基？ Vicki?
“送給格魯伯的歌” "Songs for My Gruber."
喔，薇基 Oh, Vicki.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
薇基，你在哪兒？ Vicki. Where are you?
好啊，馬克格魯伯 Hello, MacGruber.
康斯，你把薇基怎么樣了？ Cunth. What did you do with Vicki?
喔，我還沒看到她 Oh, I haven't seen her.
不知怎么的，碰巧撿到她的電話 I somehow stumbled on her cell phone.
聽著，康斯 Listen to me, Cunth.
我知道你計划什么，你個卑鄙小人 I know what you're planning, you frigging turd.
聽著，如果你只關心薇基的手機 Look, if you care at all about Vicki's cell phone,
你就與此無關 you'll stay away.
如果你不 If you don't, I'll smash it
我就把她碎尸萬段 into a million, trillion little pieces.
聽懂我的話了么？ Do you understand me?
我懂，至少我這么想 I understand. Or at least I think I do.
薇基的手機就是薇基，是么？ Vicki's cell phone is Vicki, right?
再見，馬克格魯伯 Goodbye, MacGruber.
等等！ Dieter, wait!
聽著，呃… Look, uh...
我只想說，這太棒了 I just wanted to say that it's been really good
能和你攪在一起 to mix it up with you.
還有 And, you know,
我想你應該能承認 I think that you would admit that we make
我們是好到爆的對手 pretty damn good adversaries.
還有 And, you know,
謝謝你能聽，老兄 thanks for being there, dude.
哇哦，我沒料到，謝謝，馬克格魯伯 Wow. I didn't expect that. Thanks, MacGruber.
康斯，還有一件事 (STAMMERING) Cunth, one more thing.
我看看，該怎么說呢 Uh... Let's see, how do I put this?
呃… Uh...
(BEEPS)
喔，太好了，我等不及去掐斷你的老二 Oh, yeah. I cannot wait to cut off your dick
塞進你嘴里 and shove it in your mouth!
再見，馬克格魯伯 Goodbye, MacGruber.
該去羈押康斯了 Time to go pound some Cunth.
Boom.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
感謝你這么做，派帕 Thanks for doing this, Pi.
聽著 And, look,
昨晚很抱歉 sorry about last night.
昨晚是新兵演習 It was a real rookie maneuver.
我們有話直說 Let's get something straight.
我這么做不是為了你 I'm not doing this for you.
我這么做是為了那些無辜的人民 I'm doing it for all the innocent people out there
他們性命攸關 whose lives are at stake.
當然，我也是性命攸關 Well, my life is just as at stake.
所以，可以說，你這么做是為了我 So in a way, you are doing it for me.
我深表感激 And I thank you for that.
你知道么？打住 You know what? Just stop.
你所做的只有說空話 That's all you do, is talk.
你說空話，做傻事 You talk and you fuck things up.
我還會撕裂喉頭 And I rip throats.
我表示嚴重懷疑 I seriously doubt it.
喔？是么？那好吧，我們走著瞧 Oh, you do? Well, then, I guess you'll see.
- 會么？ - 當然，你會，他們也會 Will I? Yeah, you will. And so will they.
抱歉打擾你，先生？上校？ Sorry to bother you, sir, but... Colonel?
上校！ Colonel!
(GROANING)
馬克格魯伯是對的 MacGruber was right.
(CHATTERING ON RADIO)
差不多能看見11個，12個 Looks like 11, 12 that I can see.
里面會有更多 But there will be more inside.
我希望屋后面有個挖好的坑 等著所有的尸體 Well, I hope they got a ditch dug out back for all the bodies.
要不然一會兒這里真的會很難聞 Otherwise things are going to get real smelly here later on.
你這么想真惡心 That's a pretty gross way to look at it.
當然，我是個現實主義者 Well, I'm a realist.
我不知道你打算殺死多少人 I don't know how many people you're planning on killing,
但我一定要殺掉那個人… but I am definitely going to kill that guy with the pony...
噓！ Shh! Shh.
不要，讓他走 (WHISPERING) No, just let him pass.
我們不想再吸引更多的注意 We don't want to attract any more attention.
馬克格魯伯？ MacGruber?
(GROANS)
惡心！ Oh!
(LAUGHING)
上帝！ Jesus Christ.
酷吧？你可不希望這樣 Pretty cool, right? Bet you weren't expecting that.
是啊，真的很惡心 Yeah, that was really disgusting.
習慣就好，因為這是我的主要方式 Well, get used to it, 'cause that's my main move.
另外，如果他有機會會對我動一樣的手腳 Besides, he would've done the exact same thing to me if he had the chance.
他當然不會，他肯定要槍擊你，不是… No, he wouldn't have. He would've shot you, not...
可惡 Down, now.
好了，太近了 All right, that was too close.
我們得找到新的入口點 We need a new point of entry.
出發！ Let's move!
薇基！薇基！薇基！ Vicki, Vicki, Vicki.
總是當伴娘，從未做新娘 Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
什么？沒聽明白 What was that? Didn't quite catch that.
粘住太陽晒不到的地方，迪爾特 Stick it where the sun don't shine, Dieter.
是么？是什么地方？ Oh, yeah? Where might that be?
你屁屁？ Your butt?
你屁屁上？ Up your butthole?
還是把這個塞回去吧，怎么樣？ Let's just put this back in, shall we?
我知道馬克格魯伯正在找你 Now, I know MacGruber's after you.
我等不及了，你知道為什么？ And I can't wait. You know why?
因為我要讓他看著我 'Cause I'm going to watch him watch me
在他面前殺了你，然后 kill you right in front of him, and then,
我要看著自己殺掉他 I'm going to watch me kill him
就在一面鏡子前 in front of a mirror.
然后，我要看下電視 And then, I'm going to watch some TV.
希望有些好節目 I hope there's something good on.
這是美國最為始料未及的事件 This will be one of the most anticipated State of the Unions in history.
據說總統即將步入會議廳 I'm told the President is about to enter the chamber.
喔，很好，我喜歡災難電影 (LAUGHS) Oh, good. I love disaster movies.
(MUFFLED YELLING)
他進來了，女士們先生們 Here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
美國總統… the President of the United States.
然后我告訴她“不再是”，然后我們那個了 And then I told her, "Not for long," and then we rammed.
你什么？是的，我干了她 You what? Yeah, I humped her.
我不想用那個詞 I don't want to use the F-word
因為我不想那樣毀掉這份美好 'cause I don't want to diminish its beauty in any way.
不過感覺真的好極了 But it was fucking great.
不過以前我從未有過那種感覺 And I've never felt that way about a bone session before.
- 恩，聽起來真的很特別 - 謝謝 Yeah, sounds really special. Thanks.
這好像是主要通風口 This looks like the main duct.
我們要到控制室下面 We should be right underneath the control room.
- 喔，當然 - 准備好了嗎？ Oh, yeah. You ready?
該去追捕康斯了 Time to go pound some Cunth.
恩 Yeah.
- 怎么了 - 沒什么 What? Nothing.
不會吧，怎么了？ No, what?
我才注意到你一直再說這些台詞 It's just I've noticed you say that line all the time.
台詞很好 It's a good line.
是么？ Is it?
當然，我懂好的台詞，也很擅長 Yeah. I know good lines. I'm really good with them.
我甚至編了擊敗康斯后的台詞 I work them up, and I even have a line for after I defeat Cunth.
- 很好，等不及要聽，准備好了 - 在鏡子前聯系？ Great. Can't wait to hear it. Practiced it in a mirror. It is ready to go.
當然，你很快會聽到 Yeah, you'll hear it. (LAUGHS) You'll know.
我會看著你，然后…你就明白了 I'll look at you and... Yeah, you'll know.
我們能走了么？ Should we get going?
- 好 - 好 Okay. Okay.
喔，我先走 Oh, I can go...
你先，你先 You go. You go.
米勒，請重復 Miller, do you copy?
米勒，你在嗎？ Miller, are you there?
可惡，米勒 God damn it, Miller.
潤喉糖？ Throat lozenges?
你會想要吃掉一整合 You're going to want to take the whole box.
(GROANS)
了不起，又撕裂一個喉嚨 Awesome. Got another throat rip in.
不錯 Cool.
愿你為了火雞 Might go for the turkey.
火雞？ The turkey?
是啊，保齡球中連續三擊的朮語 Yeah, it's a bowling term for when you get three strikes in a row.
我把它應用到撕裂喉嚨來 And I applied that to throat rips.
很惡心 That's sick.
可能 Maybe.
但如果撕裂喉嚨能取回彈頭 But if ripping throats gets that warhead back,
我會舔更多的… I'll suck as many dicks as it...
盡我所能的撕裂更多喉嚨 (STAMMERS) Rip as many throats as I have to.
- 你聽到那句話了沒？ - 沒有 Did you hear that? No.
恩，很好 Okay, good.
了不起！試試這個！ Awesome! Check this out.
嗨，康斯 Hey, Cunth.
猜猜誰在你這愚蠢的集中營里？ (ON PA) Guess who's in your stupid compound.
是我，馬克格魯伯 It's me, MacGruber!
還有我的老兄，當然出自另一個媽媽 And I am with my brother from another mother,
迪克森﹒派帕中尉 Lieutenant Dixon Piper.
- 你干什么 - 讓我來… What are you... Let me do this. What are you...
讓我說完 Let me do this!
煽風點火，正在直播，變態 Just lick it up. Back on the air, fuckface!
殺了他 Kill him.
聽著，雖然只有我們兩個人在這兒 Now, look. Even though there are only two of us here in this,
控制室 call it a control room, we are going to destroy you.
控制室，快！ COMMANDER: Control room! Now!
不管了，來控制室吧 So anyways, come on over to the control room.
我們等著，還會有些小驚喜 We'll be waiting, and we have a little surprise for you.
(ALARM BLARING)
好主意，哈？ Pretty good idea, huh?
哪一個？ 對尸體的侮辱 Which one, the desecration of the corpse
還是水埋伏？ or the water ambush?
你取消這些東西，不過相信我 You know, you make fun of this stuff, but trust me,
這回給我們節省可貴的時間 that is going to buy us some serious time.
(GUN FIRING)
他們在器具室 They're in the machine room!
器具室，快！ Machine room! Go!
(GUNS FIRING IN THE DISTANCE)
(GROANS)
好了，我收集了這個扳手 Okay, I rounded up this wrench,
我也有了這個瓶蓋 and I already have this bottle cap.
但是要小心那個棕色的大雞蛋 But be on the lookout for one large brown egg.
閉上你的臭嘴，馬克格魯伯 Shut the fuck up, MacGruber!
我試著救場！ I am trying to help here!
這里人太多，我要你端上兩把槍 There are too many guys. I need you to take two of these guns.
我告訴過你，我不用槍 I told you, I do not use guns.
那好，你最好現在開始 Well, you better start,
因為在你屁股上粘根破芹菜 because sticking a piece of fucking celery up your ass
這會可應付不了！ ain't gonna hack it this time.
- 打死我也不用槍 - 為什么？ I'm not going to use a gun! Why?
因為 Because
我不會用，行了吧？ I don't know how. Okay?
太難以置信了 I don't fucking believe it.
它們嚇到我了 They scare me.
你還想救薇基么？ Do you want to save Vicki?
好，好，我該做什么？ Okay, okay. So what do I do?
對准，射擊就行 You point it and you shoot it.
好，好，好，開始 Okay, okay. Okay, here goes.
(SCREAMING)
我打中了個桶 Oh! I got a barrel!
- 對准人 - 好方法，好方法，好了 Aim for a person! Oh! Good call, good call. Okay.
喔！我擊中那個人了，看見沒？ Oh! Oh! Oh! I got that guy! Did you see that?
我想是我擊中的，不過你做的很好 I think I actually got him, but you're doing a great job.
- 謝謝 - 我要把那倆個人除掉 Thank you. I'm going to take those two guys out.
不！不！我想來！我想來！ No, no, no! I want to do it! I want to do it!
太了不起了！ This is so awesome!
這比我以前做得那些傻帽小玩意兒棒多了 This is so much better than those stupid fucking gadgets I used to make.
我們要跑去那扇門 We gotta make a run for that door.
我們數到三就開始跑 We're gonna go on the count of three,
不管怎么樣，一定要連續開槍 and whatever you do, just keep shooting.
好好好 Okay, okay, okay.
- 准備好了？ - 連續開槍就行？ Ready? We just keep shooting?
- 是的 - 好了 Yeah. Okay!
一 One...
二、三 ...two, three!
(BOTH PANTING)
勢均力敵 That was a close one.
- 槍呢？ - 噓 Where are the guns? Shh. Shh.
我們有伴了 We got company.
(DISTORTED SCREAMING)
好槍托 Nice gun butt.
我們應該結束他 One of us should probably finish him off.
你真的很想撕喉嚨，是吧？ You really want that throat rip, don't you?
嗯… Well...
當然，不過我知道你不太喜歡 I mean, yeah, but I know you're not into it, so...
嗨 Hey.
為了火雞 Go for the turkey.
- 真的？ - 當然 Really? Yeah.
謝謝 Thank you.
不，謝謝你，為了試圖救我一命 No, thank you. For trying to save my life.
我欠你的 Well, I owed you one.
忘了吧，格魯伯 Put her there, Grubes.
(GUARD SCREAMING)
(GOBBLING)
就是這兒 That's it.
薇基在那里 Vicki's in there.
我能感覺得到 I can feel it in my balls.
薇基 Vicki!
嗨！ Hi!
(GUNS COCKING)
游戲結束，先生們 Game's over, gentlemen.
哈！馬克格魯伯！ Ah! MacGruber.
你來得正是時候 You're just in time.
你們餓了嗎？鍋貼要不？摩森？ You guys hungry? You want a potsticker, a Molson?
我們經營了殷實的好市多公司（美國連鎖店） We made a pretty substantial Costco run.
暫時可能提供不了食物，所以我們提供足夠 Might not be able to get food for a while, so we got enough
比如說，一個完整的核包圍冬季 for, like, an entire nuclear winter.
康斯坦丁，你能聽話照看這倆人 Constantine, would you be a lamb and take these two
這樣我就能和馬克格魯伯玩點花樣？ while I have a little fun with MacGruber, here?
跪下 CONSTANTINE: Kneel.
跪下！ Kneel!
首先，我想感謝你留給我的upper decker First of all, I'd like to thank you for that upper decker you left me.
(MACGRUBER GROANS)
我等不及要殺了你 I can't wait to kill you.
我要媽咪！ (MOCKINGLY) I want my mommy!
啥？馬克格魯伯要撕裂我的喉嚨？ What, is MacGruber gonna rip my throat out?
不，我倒希望你的喉頭原地不動 No, I want your throat to stay right where it is
這樣我就能聽到你驚聲尖叫 so I can hear you scream bloody murder
當我掐斷你的老二塞進你嘴巴時 when I cut off your dick and shove it in your mouth.
就今晚！ Tonight!
聽起來真的是一個愉悅星期二 That sounds like a real fun Tuesday,
不過我早有其它計划 but I've already got other plans.
瞧，4分鐘之內 Oh! See, in about four minutes,
我要把華盛頓特區變為一堆廢墟 I'm going to turn Washington D.C. Into a pile of ash.
然后會有一大堆錢等著我數 And then I've got a big pile of money to count.
你如何牟利?殺掉無數無辜的人民 How do you make money killing millions of innocent people?
真的？我覺得很明顯 Really? I thought that was clear.
呃…有人花錢雇我哦 Uh... Someone pays me to do it.
你知道，我不能告訴你是誰，這樣太八卦 You see, I can't say who 'cause that would be gossiping.
是黃種人 It's the Chinese.
你讓我惡心 MACGRUBER: You make me sick.
你怎么能這么做？ How could you do this?
不，不是我，是你 Oh, I'm not doing it. You are.
- 你瘋了 - 你才瘋了！ You're mad. You're mad!
被政府激怒、幻想破滅 這才應該對你妻子的死負責 Incensed. Disillusioned by a government you blame for the death of your wife.
你這個放蕩、背叛的妻子 Your trampy, backstabbing wife.
你殺了凱西！你殺了凱西！ You killed Casey. You killed Casey!
你的宣告可不這么說 Not according to your manifesto.
什么？你說什么？ What? What are you talking about?
你的宣告 Your manifesto.
這里 In here,
你因凱西的死而指責政府 you blame the government for the death of Casey,
你要讓他們付出巨大代價 and you're going to make them pay dearly for it.
康斯，你要相信我，我沒寫過 Cunth, you gotta believe me, I didn't write that.
我被別人陷害了，不知道是誰 I'm being framed by somebody. I don't know who it is,
你得相信我！這是一個巨大的誤會 but you gotta believe me! This has been a big misunderstanding...
噢，上帝！是我，我寫的 Oh, my God! It's me. I'm writing it.
陷害你的人是我，是我 I'm the one that's framing you. Me.
夠娘養的！不永遠逃脫不了干系 You son of a bitch! You'll never get away with this.
天吶，馮斯上校都知道，他會… Oh, God. Colonel Faith knows all about this, and he is going to...
馮斯上校？他死了 (LAUGHS) Colonel Faith? He's dead.
- 什么？ - 你說謊 What? You're lying.
是么？ Am I? (LAUGHS)
整死你，康斯！ Screw you, Cunth!
這是種邀請嗎？ Is that an invitation?
惡心，不 Ew! No.
好了，我們來繼續你的死亡之旅 Okay, can we get on with your deaths now?
不過有件事我已經等了很久 But first, there's something I've been wanting
不過有件事我已經等了很久
to do for a long time. 不過有件事我已經等了很久
(BLADES CLINK)
有人需要修理么？ Anyone up for a little trim?
不，你要做什么？ (PANTING) No. What are you doing?
我想讓你在棺材里好看一些 I just want you to look good in your coffin.
不要這么做，康斯，別這樣！ Don't fucking do it, Cunth! Don't do it!
孩子們 Boys.
(GRUNTING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(SCISSOR SNIPPING)
不！ No!
喔！看看我！ Oh, look at me!
我是馬克格魯伯！我要去追捕康斯 I'm MacGruber. Hey, I'm gonna go pound some Cunth.
你要去嗎？去死，去死 You wanna go? Fuck you, fuck you.
(DISTORTED CHATTERING)
(GROWLING)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY)
嗨！ Hey!
什么鬼東西？ What the fuck?
快！薇基！ Now, Vicki!
(EXCLAIMS)
(SHRIEKS)
我以為你不會用槍 I didn't think you used a gun.
我不用 I don't.
你的拳輕的像個小女孩 (GROANS) You punch like a little girl.
恩，你會跑得像個小女孩 Well, you're gonna walk around like a little girl.
等我解除核武裝 'Cause after I disarm this nuke,
我要掐斷你的老二… I'm gonna cut off your dick and...
塞進我嘴里，你像破了個記錄 Shove it in my mouth. You're like a broken record.
我要破的唯一記錄 The only record I'm gonna break
就是“塞進你嘴里的數量” is the "amount of your own dick in your mouth" record.
發射確認，三分鐘 AUTOMATED VOICE: Launch commencing in three minutes.
三分鐘，馬克格魯伯 Three minutes, MacGruber!
行動！ Let's move!
(ALARM BLARING)
馬克格魯伯！ VICKl: MacGruber!
好了，別擔心 MACGRUBER: All right. Don't worry, gang.
我以前經歷過這種狀況 I've been in this situation before
從未出過事 and nothing bad has ever happened.
是么，薇基？ Right, Vicki?
好了，開始之前，我要說點東西 All right. Before we start, there's something I need to say here.
薇基，我已經想過很多 Vicki, I have been doing so much thinking
自從我們昨晚交融過后… since we had intercourse last night...
馬克格魯伯，炸彈 MacGruber, the bomb!
對，對，好了 You're right, you're right. Okay.
派帕，銅線扔給我 Piper, toss me that copper wire.
接住，馬克格魯伯 You got it, MacGruber.
薇基，機器軸承 Vicki, that ball bearing.
拿好了，馬克格魯伯 Here you go, MacGruber.
派帕，鉗子 Piper, those pliers.
就來，格魯伯 Coming at you, Grubes!
快點，馬克格魯伯！ Hurry up, MacGruber!
我們沒時間了！ We're running out of time!
薇基，讓我成為地球上最幸福的男人 Vicki, make me the happiest man on the face of the Earth.
好好好好！ Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
太好了，我昨晚撞上了凱西的魂 我們一會再說 Yes! I porked Casey's ghost last night. We can talk about that later.
好了，我們要解決核彈頭…我靠 All right, we got a nuclear warhead to... Holy shit!
怎么了，馬克格魯伯？ What's wrong, MacGruber?
這是什么破玩意？ What the fuck is this?
彈頭，馬克格魯伯，你能拆掉它，是吧？ It's a warhead, MacGruber. You can defuse it, right?
你開什么玩笑，看看這堆垃圾 Are you kidding me? Look at all this crap.
差不多有一百萬根導線 There's, like, a million wires in here.
我更像個處理三根線的人 I'm more like a three-wire guy.
瞧著些線，連著哪兒？ Look at this wire. Where does this go?
綠色的線 What does that... There's a green one.
一束綠色的 There's, like, a bunch of green.
發射確認，兩分鐘 Launch commencing in two minutes.
兩分鐘，馬克格魯伯 Two minutes, MacGruber!
恩，我聽到了，薇基 上帝！嘮叨、嘮叨、真嘮叨 Yeah, I heard it, Vicki! Jesus, nag, nag, nag!
真抱歉，親愛的，太抱歉了 I'm really sorry, sweetie. I'm so sorry.
馬克格魯伯，你到底行不行？ MacGruber, can you do this or not?
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
不，我拆不了這個導彈 No. I cannot defuse this missile.
好極了，馬克格魯伯 CUNTH: Bravo, MacGruber!
從你身上只能看到失敗 I expected no less from a washout like you.
又一次，我贏你輸 Once again, I win. You lose.
我還沒說完，迪爾特 I didn't finish my sentence, Dieter.
我拆不了你的導彈，但我能這么做 No, I cannot defuse your missile. But I can do this.
發射確認，一分鐘 Launch commencing in one minute.
(CRASHING)
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
核彈頭 No! A nuclear warhead's
沒了核心就大不一樣了 not quite the same without its thermonuclear core.
可惡！ CUNTH: Damn it! (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)
沒關系！ It doesn't matter.
還有足夠的硝酸銨留在彈頭 There's still enough ammonium nitrate left in that warhead
足以一并炸毀白宮、議會 to blow up the White House and Congress, combined.
又來了，康斯 Right again, Cunth.
當然，如果沒了這個，它很難飛 Of course, it's going to be awfully hard to fly it without
(CLATTERING)
導航系統 The guidance system.
無能！ Weak!
我猜你確實贏了 So I guess you do win.
獎品就是，炸成碎片 And your prize will be getting blown to smithereens
還有多久？馬克格魯伯女士？ in about how long, Mrs. MacGruber?
32秒！ Thirty-two seconds!
我們最好飛奔，還有婚禮要計划呢 Well, we better scoot. We do have a wedding to plan.
快走！ Let's move.
(ALARM BLARING)
發射確認，20秒 Launch commencing in 20 seconds.
再見 Toodle-Ioo.
馬克格魯伯！ MacGruber!
十、九、八、七、六、 Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
五、四、三、二、一 five, four, three, two, one, zero.
一流馬克格魯伯 Classic MacGruber.
我愛你們倆 I love you both.
他們愛是無限的 PRIEST: Theirs is a love that knows no bounds.
這是疾患后治愈的真愛 A love that heals in times of sickness.
憤怒中寬恕的真愛 A love that forgives in times of anger.
相戀時執著的真愛 A love that loves in times of love.
薇基寫得 Vicki wrote that. PIPER: Hmm.
寫得很美，親愛的 It's beautiful, honey.
謝謝 Thank you.
現在，在座各位還有什么理由 不讓這兩個靈魂 Now, is there anyone here with just cause why these two souls
結為夫妻？ should not be joined in holy matrimony?
你嚇住我了 (MOUTHING) You scared me!
拜！ Bye.
我們開始 Then let's get to it.
薇基﹒格勞瑞亞﹒埃爾默，你愿意 Do you, Vicki Gloria St. Elmo,
馬克格魯伯成為你的合法丈夫么？ take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?
我愿意 (SINGING) I do
馬克格魯伯，你愿意 And do you, MacGruber,
取薇基﹒格勞瑞亞﹒埃爾默 成為你的合法妻子嗎？ take Vicki Gloria St. Elmo to be your lawfully wedded wife?
(CHUCKLES MALICIOUSLY)
不！ No!
(SCREAMING)
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
- 你還好嗎？ - 恩，還好 Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
- 還好吧？ - 恩 Are you all right? VICKl: I'm okay.
薇基，別去 No, Vicki, don't.
(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
(ALL GROAN)
我得承認 I gotta admit,
很高興你還活著 I'm kind of glad you're still alive.
因為有些事還想對你說 我已經等了很久很久 'Cause there's something I've been wanting to say to you for a long, long time.
嗨，康斯，舔你自己的老二 Hey, Cunth, suck your own dick.
來取吧！ Come and get it.
什么玩意？去哪兒了？ What the fuck? Where is it?
(LAUGHING)
爆炸時炸碎了 It was blown up in the explosion.
你侮辱我？ You are shitting me!
我們結束了嗎？ Are we done here?
太可惡了！ God damn it!
不，我們還沒完 Are we... No, we're not done here!
(SCREAMING)
派帕！ Piper!
(GROANING)
去死吧，伙計！ Fuck you, dude!
(ALL GASP)
我愿意！ I do.
《百戰天虫》 (MAN EXCLAIMING TITLE)
(PLAYING SULTRY TUNE)
(TUNE CONTINUES PLAYING)